Battohsai's drive
by T.One
Summary: it's a parody of how skilled the Kenshin-gumi are in driving


The characters in this fan fiction belong to Rurouni Kenshin and were created by Watsuki Nobushiro-sama. I DO NOT receive any profit from this fan fiction. This fan fiction is done in the present and not during the Meiji era......\(~_~)/ .....sorry.  
  
the speeches  
*... * thinking   
  
BATTOUSAI ON THE ROAD  
  
(Be afraid. Be VERY, VERY afraid)  
  
The stadium was crowded with people from all over Japan. They had came to Kyoto to witness the ever first stock car race held in Japan and is sponsored by The Akabeko. Things became more exciting as the announcers, Okina (Owanibanshuu member) and T.One (Fan fic author) began to announce the fellow participants and their respective teams  
  
  
T.One Wow! That sure is a great crowd today at the Stadium today  
  
Okina Yup. And there're many pretty girls out there too.  
*Okina starts drooling and then gets hit with a large mallet by T.One*  
  
T.One Let's get to the point. We're here to give the intro of the participating groups  
  
Okina Hai... The first team is the Kamiya Team from Kyoto and is represented by   
contestant no.1, Hitokiri Battousai  
  
The crowed goes wild with applause and started a Mexican wave in favor of their most loved rurouni. All except a small group of contestants, which just gave the rurouni a death, glare where else the other half just called him names like "Ahou" and "Baka deshi"  
  
Kenshin My name is Himura Kenshin de gozaru  
  
T.One Yeah, yeah whatever.  
  
Kenshin Oro  
  
T.One And his fellow contestant the bad ass of the dojo, Sanosuke 'Roosterhead'  
Sagara  
  
Sanosuke stood from the Kamiya Team garage waving and sending flying kisses to the crowed at the stadium. This caused a terminal outbreak in the stadium and soon everyone was making for the restrooms not to mention the announcers as well.  
  
Yahiko That idiot Roosterhead. The Dojo doesn't have enough money to pay all those   
people's medical bills. That was why we entered this race in the first place  
  
Sano Don't worry. We'll win for sure and kick those sissy butts once and for all.  
  
Megumi That's if you win, Roosterhead  
  
Sano Take it easy, Kitsune. The others haven't got a chance against Kenshin or me. And   
Besides, with Jou-chan, Yahiko and you as our pit stop team, no one can beat   
us   
  
A certain 'hmmph' was heard from the adjacent garage.  
  
T.One The next team is the Owanibanshuu Team from Tokyo and their entries are  
Shinomori Aoshi and his ever adoring Owanibanshuu Okashira, Makimachi  
"Weasel Girl' Misao plus she's the only girl competitor. Go girl!!  
  
MisaoYay!! ........HEEEEEY!! Who are you calling Weasel Girl!!  
  
Kunai's started flying towards the announcer booth.  
  
T.One I still said you're HIS ever adoring Okashira right? So stop that before  
I disqualify your team  
  
Misao Not fair... begins pouting  
  
Aoshi ...  
  
Okina Go Team Owanibanshuu!!!  
  
T.One gives Okina a death glare and proceeds to bash him in the head  
  
T.One We're supposed to be FAIR. Is there any problem in the word that you don't   
understand  
  
Okina gives T.One a small pout (the ones alike to Misao's) and continued to announced the other teams.  
  
Okina The next team is a very special team that is sponsored by the Kuni Tori  
Petroleum Inc. that is ran by one of its' participants from the Kuni Tori  
Team, Shishio Makoto...  
  
Yumi Yay Team Shishio!!!  
  
The crowed at the stadium grows silent at the very sound of his name.  
  
Kenshin But that's impossible. He's dead  
  
Shishio came out of his garage and gives Kenshin a big smirk and everyone gapes at him.  
Yumi meanwhile was doing a cheerleading dance with Kamatari to give their support to Team Shishio.  
  
T.One And the other contestants from Team Kuni Tori are Seta Soujiro and Chou of the   
10 Swords  
  
A smiley Soujiro walked out with Chou not far behind him. The crowed goes wild at the sight of the most handsome henchmen of Shishio. And soon the floor was filled with flowers and gifts for their Seta-kun.  
  
T.One still drooling when Okina gave her a scrowl  
  
Okina Ahem!! I thought the announcers were supposed to be FAIR.. Right, T.One?  
  
T.One flashes a death glare at Okina.  
  
T.One I'm the fic author and you should do as I Say. UNDERSTAND!!(Covering the microphone)  
  
Okina gave a small grumble and sat pouting again  
  
Sano Hahahahha. This time I'm not the One getting picked on  
  
T.One( think again Sano) and started pressing some buttons and turned both his car and uniform bright, sweet PINK.  
  
SanoAAAARRRGGHH!!!!!Why you *bleeep* ing *bleep* author you!!!!  
  
T.One hahahhahahaand proceeds to fall off her chair while Okina sat next to her feeling scared.  
  
OkinaOn to next Team. This team is also from Kyoto and its members are quite well  
known, for they're Saitoh 'Wolfie' Hajime and Kenshin's ' Meaner than Saitoh'  
shishou, The 13th Hiten Mitsurugi Successor....(takes a deep breath) ..Hiko   
Seijuuro. Team Tensai  
  
Once again the crowed roars and Hiko and Saitoh came out of their respective garage. Hiko puts on his pose and Saitoh only glared at the announcers with fierce eyes. Some of the audience fainted.  
  
KenshinShishiou!!  
  
Okina (gulp) errr... Who wrote this script...  
  
Saitoh Aku announcers and script writers  
  
Okina And our last team is a team from China. It's only participant is Yukishiro Enishi  
  
Kaoru gasp  
  
Yahiko What?!! He's back!!  
  
Saitoh & Aoshi...  
  
An hour later...  
  
Okina Seems like all of our contestants are ready to start the race except.....  
  
The camera turns towards the Kamiya Team Garage, zooming in on Sano trying to scrape all the pink paint off his car while Yahiko stood at the side laughing.  
  
T.One Well, that a comic relief. And Now a word from our sponsors  
  
************************************************************************  
CB:  
  
"For a good food with cheap prices. Go to The Akabeko in Tokyo or her sisters branch the Shirobeko in Kyoto." Show Tae at the Akabeko and Sae at the Shirobeko.  
  
Tae & Sae The Akabeko and the Shirobeko is the ultimate place to eat, drink, party and   
plan evil plots with its peaceful surroundings. Try asking any one of our  
customers  
  
SanoYeah, its great and even more then that because I don't have to pay!  
  
************************************************************************  
T.One That... errr...was interesting. Now back to the race.  
  
Okina It seems that the racers are ready and...and... and....and... Starts drooling  
  
T.One OKINA!!!!!! Stop staring at the umbrella girls!!!!hit Okina with the biggest mallet this side of creation.  
  
The camera turns to the racers.  
  
1(H.Kenshin)______  
2(Y.Enishi)________  
3(S.Hajime)_______  
4(S.Soujiro)_______  
5(S.Aoshi)________  
6(M.Misao)_______  
7(S.Makoto)______  
8(H.Seijuuro)______  
9(Chou)__________  
10(S.Sanosuke)___  
  
KaoruKenshin be careful. Okay? Don't drive fast and do dangerous things.  
  
YahikoOoi, Busu. This is supposed to be a race. How can Kenshin win if you ask him  
to drive slowly  
  
Megumi (beside Sano) Ohohohoho......Tanuki-girl...you just don't get it do you  
  
Kaoru gets her bokken to hit both Yahiko and Megumi but was pulled back by Kenshin.  
  
Enishi Battousai, I will avenge my sisters death by using my latest Jinchuu on you.  
Drunk Driving   
  
(Enishi then picks up a dozen bottles of sake and starts drinking)  
  
Hiko (from behind) Where in the *Bleeep* is my sake!!!!!!  
  
(Enishi still drinking)  
  
Saitoh testing his cars' engine and still smoking until Tokio came up in her brand new kimono and took the cigarette butt from him.  
  
Tokio Anata. It's no good to smoke when you're driving.  
  
Saitoh Aa  
  
Tokio The reward for this race is good enough to support us throughout the next year.  
And with that, you don't have to work so hard and leave me alone for so long  
  
Saitoh Aa  
  
Camera turns to Aoshi standing beside a gorgeous woman in a very skimpy kimono.  
The girl was standing to close for Misao's comfort. And the young Okashira was looking quite green in the eyes  
  
Umbrella girl Umm... Aoshi  
  
Aoshi...  
  
Umbrella GirlI LUUUUVV ....  
  
Kunai's flew and an angry Misao was stomping towards the girl  
  
Misao What are you trying to do with MY Aoshi-sama!!!  
  
Misao voice at that moment was loud enough to shake the whole stadium.  
  
AoshiMisao  
  
MisaoYes Aoshi-sama  
  
Aoshi You're talking too loud  
  
Misao suddenly turns bright red and quickly ran back to her car  
  
************************************************************************  
The crowed goes wild as the signal came for the race to start. The umbrella girls and the respective pit stop crew went back to the garage.   
  
T.One Red.....Orange.....GOOOOO!!!!!  
  
There was a roar from the crowd as all the cars took off at a devastating fast speed except one was left behind   
  
Kaoru Kenshin! It's started already. GO  
  
Kenshin Oro....ses..ses...sessha can't reach pedal  
  
Okina It seems that Kenshin is in trouble. And look a car is finishing the first round.  
  
T.OneWhy? Its Soujiro-san....YAAAAY!!!! And he's doing it in less than a minute   
  
OkinaHmph........Look, Kaoru just got Kenshin a pillow. Now he can reach the pedal   
  
T.One Yeah he just started and the rest nearly finished the first found  
  
The 2nd to finish the first round was Hiko with his famous cape flying behind him, blocking the view of the back car....Sano.  
  
Sano Hey you Hiten Idoitrugi Master. You're blocking my *bleeping* veiw  
  
Hiko That's not of my fault that you're a roosterhead If you had been a tensai like me  
maybe you would fare better  
  
And when Hiko passed Kenshin, he sneered  
  
Hiko Bakadesshhhiiiiii!!!!  
  
Kanshin (as cars go past him) Drive carefully de gozaru!  
  
Enishi *bleep* I missed him. Hmmm. Must drink another bottle  
(opens another bottle of sake and starts drinking  
  
Meanwhile Shishio was driving at such a speed that he almost caught up with Hiko  
  
Okina(finally stopped drooling)Now here's the standings  
  
1.S.Soujiro  
2.S.Aoshi  
3.S.Hajime  
4.S.Makoto  
5.H.Seijuuro  
6.Chou  
7.M.Misao  
8.S.Sano  
9.Y.Enishi (making waves on the road)  
10.H.Kenshin (driving at 50km/h)  
  
************************************************************************  
  
KaoruWhat's Kenshin doing?? He's going so slow  
  
Megumi Yeah. So is the roosterhead  
  
Yumi Hahahahaha. Your team hasn't got a chance against Team Kuni Tori. With our   
special petrol and Soujiro's speed we'll win for sure!!!!  
  
Megumi & Kaoru stares at Yumi.  
  
Tokio I'm sure Hajime will come out at least the first three  
  
Okon & Omasu Not a chance girls. Both Aoshi and Misao have been doing some very  
special training to win this race and bring glory to the Owanibanshuu.  
  
All the pit stop members continue to argue about whose going to win.  
Meanwhile, back at the course....  
  
Saitoh (cigarette in hand) had been trying to overtake Aoshi at every corner but failed. He got so frustrated that he threw his cigarette away (Unluckily for the car behind him). In a blink of an eye, the latter heard a loud boom from behind and saw that Shishio and his car had combusted in flames.  
  
Hiko What The.....!!!!!  
  
(evades the combusted car and drove beside Saitoh, yelling at him)  
  
Hiko What do you think you're doing? That almost killed me if not for my great   
reflexes that only a tensai of tensais have.  
  
Saitoh Hmmph  
  
******************************************************************  
  
T.One Well, All seems to be going on well  
  
Okina Yeah, except that Team Kamiya has dropped to the last of the line. Look, Soujiro   
has crossed Kenshin for the 3rd time now and is followed by Aoshi. YAY,Aoshi!  
  
T.OnePlus Team Tensai seems to be in a quarrel. Hey there Enishi going past Hiko  
now  
  
********************************************************************  
Sano came in for a pit stop.  
  
Yahiko Hurry,hurry,hurry!!  
  
Tsubame Here's the tyre,......Ooops( tyre rolling away)  
  
Kaoru Quick get it back!  
  
YumiHaving trouble?  
  
Kaoru It's none of you business. Hey, isn't that beautiful burning car your Shishio  
is driving?  
  
Yumi & Kamatari Shishio-sama!!  
  
********************************************************************  
Enishi Hahahahaha! This time I'll not fail Battousai!!!  
  
As Enishi drives past Hiko, he was holding the bottle of sake up as if giving a toast, still to drunk to drive straight. But unluckily for him, Hiko saw the bottle  
  
Hiko SO... you're the one that took my sake!!!  
  
EnishiEh? Who are you?  
  
Hiko proceeds to knocks the live out of Enishi's car, forcing him to stop.  
  
Enishi get out of his car still holding the sake bottle, drawing hi sword as Hiko pulls up beside him and draws his sword as well. (The fight of the Sake part 1)  
  
Meanwhile, Shishio had caught up with Saitoh, and he wanted to avenge what Saitoh did to him. It all happened like this:  
  
1 Shishio drove up to Saitoh  
2 Shishio took his sword out and used it to scratch Saitoh's car  
3 Saitoh's car combusted and got out of control  
4 It hit Shishio's car and they both got knocked out of the tracks.  
  
***********************************************************************  
T.One Seems like a lot of the cars have been diqualified and Team Tensai is   
out of the race  
  
Okina Not only that, take a look at the pit stop crew. They seem to be fighting and   
some of the competitors seems to be caught up in it. Let's go to Dr. Gensai for the   
report  
  
Gensai Thank you, Okina. The pit stop crew of each team have been having an  
argument of who is going to win this race, each of them has their own   
opinion. They're not stopping the argument for anything, even their own   
team members  
  
Camera shows Soujiro, Aoshi and Misao waiting for their crew to finish the quarrel with big sweatdrops behind their heads.  
  
Kaoru We're going to win  
  
Kamatari In your dreams Tanuki-girl  
  
Kaoru Why you.. you... you crossdresser  
  
Gensai I rest my case. Back to you and T.One  
  
T.One Hehehheh......well what do you know...ahem. Let's get back to the racers OK?  
  
**********************************************************************  
Kenshin who was still going very slowly, had finally passed the two pairs of fighting   
men( Hiko Vs Enishi and Saitoh Vs Shishio)  
  
Kenshin Ororororo....  
  
Kaoru Kenshin!!! Look where you're going ! You nearly went off track  
  
Kenshin Gomen de gazaru.. Sessha will try to concentrate  
  
He then hears voices through the small earphone:  
  
" Yumi stop trying to seduce our crew!!"  
  
"Make me!!!"  
  
"With Pleasure"  
  
" I'll do it Tanuki -girl"  
  
Kenshin Ororororor....  
  
Camera goes over to Sanosuke who is trying to overtake Chou  
  
Sano Move over Broomhead!  
  
Chou It takes more skill than that to beat the best, Roosterhead  
  
And he turned his car to push Sanosuke 'pink' car off track. They continued to bump against each other until they came to a sharp corner and due to their continuous bumping, both their cars spinned off the tracks and crashed. A group of volunteers and the medical units came to their aid.  
  
In the end, the winner by default and Lots of Good luck was none other than our favorite, friendly rurouni Himura Kenshin. Just because he was the only one who wasn't disqualified or distracted by an angry mob of pit stop crew.  
  
T.One So Kenshin, How does it feel to be a winner?  
  
Kenshin Its not very nice de gozaru  
  
Okina Why is that? You just won the race and received a thousand yen in cash  
  
Kenshin Because you get many other unhappy competitors who wants to turn you into  
the living dead. gulp  
  
He then points to his back and shows us a very angry group of competitors.  
  
T.OneWell, it's time to sign off and find the best place to hide before these angry   
Kenshin-gumi and miscellaneous characters find out that I'm the author  
  
Characters last words:  
Kenshin: Be careful while you're on the road de gozaru  
Kaoru: We won? ..We won... WE WON YAAAY!!  
Enishi: Oneesan!! I've failed you again. Forgive me!  
Tomoe (Spirit) Enishi, drunk driving never pays  
Sano: bleeep bleeep bleeep broomhead  
Saitoh: Ahou ga to all the Aku drivers!  
Tokio: sigh... here we go again  
Shishio: I'll complete my Kuni Tori with my new attack ' The Combusting Car Combo'   
Attack.  
Soujiro: 'smile'...'smile'....Ahhahahhahhahahahha.... 'smile'  
Chou : Bleep bleep bleep roosterhead  
Hiko: You and I will never part again( holding sake bottle)  
Aoshi: Battousai, I'll train harder to get the title of fastest (Soujiro laughs)  
Misao: Aoshi-sama, you're so cool when you say that.   
Okina: You girls are gorgeous (was hit by a falling meteorite out of nowhere)  
Tea & Sae: Come again next year.  
  
  
I hope you liked it. I've never written a fan fiction before and this is my first piece. I hope you liked it. Send me your thoughts on this fan fiction.  



End file.
